So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
