My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
