I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
