Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you would pick up someone in the library
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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