he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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