I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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