He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Floor bacon is actually really good
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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