so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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