I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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