she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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