What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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