I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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