i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
