Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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