i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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