girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
