I am midnight drunk by noon
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize