if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
