Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
