4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
