Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
