wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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