he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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