I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
