Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
