I wish you could order shots online.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize