I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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