Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize