I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
