Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
