chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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