I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
