Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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