you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
