my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
