i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
