I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
