the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just found puke in my bra..
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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