Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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