i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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