I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize