I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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