i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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