Moan for me like Helen Keller
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize