So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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