I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
