Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
