When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm passing your future prison.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
