The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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