May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
