Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
