Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
