Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
