Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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