i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
