I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
