Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
