My sheets look like a crime scene.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
